by Thomas Loughney

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I’ve always had a bad habit of losing my temper
‘Specially when I was much younger, I was a really volatile kid
One time I threw a
Chute of bamboo at my friend
Messed his face up, never fessed to what I did
That stupid kid stuff, what a dumb thing to find
Any fight in, what a waste of those times

Then I just switched out the bamboo for things I shouldn’t say
Wouldn’t tell you them anyway, they’re words I’d care not to repeat
Spitting cusses, mean as lust is cheap
Talk that’s bitter old familiar speak
Like my whiskey, but doesn’t fix me good
Like – when she’ll kiss me – my pretty lover could

I’ve got a witness, who sees with amber eyes
Company like a mistress, kisses to push rage from my mind
In the quiet night of a bedroom, singin’ me slurred-note lullabies
To stop me from shaking, from my hatred. It gives me little respite.

When I was in highschool I fought with my mom in her room
It was a childish argument, but I couldn’t back down from my spite
So I carved my chest up made a mess of myself with my knife
Cos I couldn’t stabilize all the anger from the fight
Violence that saved her from my anger’s shouts
If I hadn’t cut myself I’d have cussed her out

Nowadays I’m feeling better, I’m on good terms with the parents
Still sometimes have disagreements, but I don’t stay mad long
There’s still a tension, but no mention at all
Awkward we leave it, closeted regret and wrong
I know I’m guilty, they put up with me while I put them through hell
Hurt like a secret to bear and to keep it and not to tell

I’m full of weakness, gotta fight off my bitter side
I’m afraid I might stay like this, that I might never be quite right
Try to behave a little more calmly, but I still slip up sometimes
It must be so disappointing, to see me lose it and not even realize

I still own the knife, and I visit the bamboo forest on breaks
There’s almost no anger in any of us, but that doesn’t mean that I’m free
Sometimes when I’m sleeping it creeps up on me
Dreams of hurting, I'm deserving of what I see
I need to remember start to end or I let my guard down
Or in a flurry my sound and my fury could come back out
But it’s gone for now

I don’t know why I’m so angry all the time, felt this all my life
I guess that it’s just in my nature but I hate that I can’t stop picking fights
I keep on having these violent nightmares they wake me up some nights
The only thing that'll stop them is my liquor or my lover holding me tight


released January 27, 2015
me, teddy farkas, seth reichert, WKCO Records



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Thomas Loughney Gambier, Ohio

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